Helping the effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect at 1066 Therapy
covering East Sussex, Battle, Hastings, Bexhill, Rye, Heathfield, Hailsham, Eastbourne, Crowborough, Brighton, Tunbridge Wells, Tonbridge, Ashford, Maidstone and Kent.
At 1066 Therapy I specialise in helping people who have experienced some form of adverse experiences in their life. This is often in childhood but it can also be in adulthood. The in-depth, versatile, specialist psychotherapy skills training I have undertaken to do this puts me in a good position to also help people who perhaps remember having had a generally good childhood, but who nevertheless have unwanted behaviours, feelings and problems that they would like to resolve.
This second group of people are often those who have experienced some form of emotional neglect in their childhood. Childhood Emotional Neglect is only relatively recently being understood as the root cause of many later problems. Books such as “Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb are good places to start getting an idea of how this neglect happens. The later problems include anxiety / anxiety-related problems, low self-esteem, low confidence, insecurities, low moods, unwanted behaviours / addictions, anger issues and many more.
What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?
Right from birth, having appropriate emotional support when we need it from our parents / caregivers is a fundamental developmental need. It is as important for healthy development as having decent food, water and shelter. Unfortunately, our society does not understand this well, if at all. Because of this, Childhood Emotional Neglect is sadly very common. Many long-term problems such as anxiety and related problems can result simply from these needs not being met well enough. The parenting was perhaps well-meaning but often ‘mis-attuned’ on the emotional level.
So, this still has a negative effect on the child. This is very often because the parents were not emotionally available enough for the child. However, they were probably caring parents otherwise, perhaps providing a lovely family home, holidays, and so on for their child(ren). Nevertheless, these material things are simply not what we need to ensure healthy emotional development where the child has a growing secure and positive sense of self.
Unresponsive Parenting
We can perhaps see this as somewhat insensitive or unresponsive parenting. Two examples of insensitive or unresponsive parenting styles are overly strict/disciplinarian Authoritarian parenting (e.g. too many rules, too much control). Or, conversely, overly liberal Permissive parenting (too few rules, weak (if any) boundaries). And there are other parenting styles which can also cause problems in later life. Parenting styles such as intrusive ‘helicopter’ parenting. And ‘narcissistic’ parenting (where the parent(s) are overly focused on their own needs etc) and so on.
One example: a child is angry with a parent. This happens for many reasons and is completely natural. The parent cannot tolerate their child being angry with something they’ve said/done. The parent may then send the child to their room, or tell them not to speak to the parent like that etc. So, instead of responding to the child’s feelings/needs in that moment, the parent is tending to their own discomfort. They are also giving the message that the child is not acceptable to them with such feelings.
Attachment Relationship Ruptures
Such moments cause ruptures in the parent / child relationship, otherwise known as the Attachment relationship. Ruptures are inevitable in any relationship, through all of our life. The ruptures only cause lasting issues IF they are not repaired, in this case, by the parent(s). A baby / infant / child can tolerate a certain amount of unrepaired ruptures in the Attachment relationship but they really suffer if too few, or none at all, are adequately repaired.
Many people find the concept of certain parenting styles having the potential to cause long-term problems, difficult to accept or believe. However we know from research and studies over many decades that the various negative effects of less-than-good-enough parenting are carried into adulthood. The negative effects can cause many problems, such as low self-esteem, confidence issues, a negative self-concept, anxiety disorders, problems with food, drink, or drug use, and problems with relationships, to name just a few.
Other problems
Problems can be caused by events outside of the immediate family environment. Experiences such as bullying. Or the child having an operation or accident which needs a stay in hospital away from home. Sometimes the parents may indirectly cause problems because they have their own issues. Issues including anxiety, stress issues, depression/emotional problems. Or problems with food, drink, etc. Or the loss of one or both parents/caregivers through divorce or death can of course cause difficulties. Nevertheless, if an important adult can give the child appropriate emotional support, this will help them through such experiences with far less chance of there being lasting after-effects.
So, while it is true that the majority of parents care for their children and have the best of intentions for their children, sometimes their own lack of resources can lead to the sorts of (unintentional) parenting mistakes. These mistakes tend to unfortunately have a lasting impact on the child. And some situations outside of anyone’s control can cause problems. Usually this will be because the parents were unable to offer sensitive emotional support.
People don’t connect their past to their present problems
Most adults, in fact, do not connect their present day problems with their early experiences. They tend to think that ‘it was such a long time ago so it can’t be that’. Or that they are ‘over all of that now’. Or ‘it wasn’t that bad, people have worse’. They often conclude that ‘it’s just the way I am’ or ‘I am an anxious person’. Or ‘there must be something wrong with me’ etc. However, recent advances in neuroscience and brain scan research are able to show us the impact on the developing mind of unhelpful experiences. The studies also show connections and correlations specifically between difficult childhood experiences and a wide range of problems in adulthood. This is where therapy models like Lifespan Integration Therapy come in.
While I offer different therapy approaches, I have found that Lifespan Integration therapy produces effective results for problems arising for Childhood Emotional Neglect.
Call or text me now on 07722783490 to book your free 30 minute initial consultation.
1066 Therapy helping the people of East Sussex, Battle, Hastings, Bexhill, Rye, Heathfield, Hailsham, Eastbourne, Brighton, Crowborough, Tunbridge Wells, Tonbridge, Ashford, Kent.
